that fuckin bitch stole my story!!
..at least she stole my story's title....and she can only do it because my story had been deleted!! fuck...
Dienstag, 30. März 2010
Montag, 29. März 2010
news
so I created a new identity.
I couldnt delete my old account, i just couldnt. I'm trying to get it hidden as far as possible.
I couldnt delete my old account, i just couldnt. I'm trying to get it hidden as far as possible.
Sonntag, 28. März 2010
sometimes I feel like everything is taken away from me.
right in this moment, I cant feel any happiness.
just something like fierce satisfaction while listening to GARNET.
I know it, it has been like this all day.
the shadows of the past hunt me, and they're reaching me again. we were able to fight them for almost one year, but now, because the world is fading, I fall again
down
down
down.
Like it always used to be.
The shadows will vanish when my scars vanish.
Never.
right in this moment, I cant feel any happiness.
just something like fierce satisfaction while listening to GARNET.
I know it, it has been like this all day.
the shadows of the past hunt me, and they're reaching me again. we were able to fight them for almost one year, but now, because the world is fading, I fall again
down
down
down.
Like it always used to be.
The shadows will vanish when my scars vanish.
Never.
I really wanted to do it.
I put a lot of effort in it, it became a stupid dream, a hope of mine. I wanted to change something.
I failed.
Humanity made me fail.
"Nothing is greater than human stupidity."
Human stupidity and ignorance will always make me fail.
We're just too small to change something.
I hurts to loose dreams.
I put a lot of effort in it, it became a stupid dream, a hope of mine. I wanted to change something.
I failed.
Humanity made me fail.
"Nothing is greater than human stupidity."
Human stupidity and ignorance will always make me fail.
We're just too small to change something.
I hurts to loose dreams.
pure, sinful hate.
Aah, I hate humanity so much.
For everything they do.
Sometimes I even hate the free will.
Rena talked with me about everybody's mask and shadows....ah, people's insides are so dark.
For everything they do.
Sometimes I even hate the free will.
Rena talked with me about everybody's mask and shadows....ah, people's insides are so dark.
Dienstag, 23. März 2010
nando mo, nando mo...
that ol' lady made me realize how annoying a "my-pace"-person can be....
"Slow down honey!! no need to rush!! do it slowly!!...Slowly!!"
hehe...while being quite bossy, she's also so nice....
It's hard not to cry most of the time. That woman who cant speak or eat and just lays around all day...she was so beautiful as a bride. I would have married her.
And now she remains as a vanishing shadow.
She's so cute when she smiles at me.
Her birthday was in september. Her family came to see her, and they sung and played music for her, i saw the photos. She was so sweet in that flower-printed blouse, lying in her bed with her face all red in excitement, laughing and looking from one visitor to another with her eyes shining ever so brightly.
She looked so deeply happy...and to see her suffering day after day, without any hope for a better future, the only exit being a peaceful death is just unbearable.
But it's no use crying over someone who had a long life and still has a loving family.
It just made me remember the day when my family gathered around my grandma's bed, where she was lying with a flower in her hands not sleeping like that other woman, but dead and cold.
How long will it take to forget that picture?
As always I can rely on my cat to come to me when he hears me crying.
2 down, 8 more to go.
"Slow down honey!! no need to rush!! do it slowly!!...Slowly!!"
hehe...while being quite bossy, she's also so nice....
It's hard not to cry most of the time. That woman who cant speak or eat and just lays around all day...she was so beautiful as a bride. I would have married her.
And now she remains as a vanishing shadow.
She's so cute when she smiles at me.
Her birthday was in september. Her family came to see her, and they sung and played music for her, i saw the photos. She was so sweet in that flower-printed blouse, lying in her bed with her face all red in excitement, laughing and looking from one visitor to another with her eyes shining ever so brightly.
She looked so deeply happy...and to see her suffering day after day, without any hope for a better future, the only exit being a peaceful death is just unbearable.
But it's no use crying over someone who had a long life and still has a loving family.
It just made me remember the day when my family gathered around my grandma's bed, where she was lying with a flower in her hands not sleeping like that other woman, but dead and cold.
How long will it take to forget that picture?
As always I can rely on my cat to come to me when he hears me crying.
2 down, 8 more to go.
Montag, 22. März 2010
failure.
Well...first work day is over.
Actually, the most difficult thing is that there are many situations when i got nothing to do. Just hanging around....I often hide from the nurses so they dont see me with nothing to do. xD
two things:
never look in the mirror while you're there. gotta see myself as two, myself and the nurse, otherwise I wont be able to get rid of the disgusting impressions.
never think about it when you're at home. I'm gettin sick of the awkward and utterly disgusting things I saw....
just do it. 7 hours a day.
one done, 9 more to go.
Actually, the most difficult thing is that there are many situations when i got nothing to do. Just hanging around....I often hide from the nurses so they dont see me with nothing to do. xD
two things:
never look in the mirror while you're there. gotta see myself as two, myself and the nurse, otherwise I wont be able to get rid of the disgusting impressions.
never think about it when you're at home. I'm gettin sick of the awkward and utterly disgusting things I saw....
just do it. 7 hours a day.
one done, 9 more to go.
Sonntag, 21. März 2010
FUCK IT!!
what the----- my fuckin cell just broke!! it's broken coz of three drops of water motherfucker!!!
fucking blody bastards of sony this is the third time in two years it's broken!
what the hell?? what am i supposed to do now?
all my numbers, messages, photos, songs and notes!!
why the hell did I place it next to the sink?? and stupid as I am, I switched it off coz i got scraed when it didnt work anymore! now I fucking cant turn it on anymore!!
somebody stop me or'll it throw it against our fucking church's walls!
I'll kill someone right now WHAT THE FUCK I HATE THIS SHIT!!
fucking blody bastards of sony this is the third time in two years it's broken!
what the hell?? what am i supposed to do now?
all my numbers, messages, photos, songs and notes!!
why the hell did I place it next to the sink?? and stupid as I am, I switched it off coz i got scraed when it didnt work anymore! now I fucking cant turn it on anymore!!
somebody stop me or'll it throw it against our fucking church's walls!
I'll kill someone right now WHAT THE FUCK I HATE THIS SHIT!!
Samstag, 20. März 2010
adora.
BGM: lynch. - adore
after work I went to my brother's playce coz his girlfriend invited me. we watched the Family Guy movie which turned out to be pretty bad, and than we had cake and he showed me latest ps3 game he got...Bioshock or something like that, it is really amazing.
OFF to Elerd.
after work I went to my brother's playce coz his girlfriend invited me. we watched the Family Guy movie which turned out to be pretty bad, and than we had cake and he showed me latest ps3 game he got...Bioshock or something like that, it is really amazing.
OFF to Elerd.
berk.
I'm honestly getting annoyed by the monochrome food I always eat...it's so lame and I wanna eat something nice again...
Boring food makes me angry, for real.
I dont even eat anymore, I just drink like ten kinds of teas or juices every day. Normal people drink water and beer and eat ten kinds of food every day.
I need some rice.
My stomach hurts and my head is heavy and I smell like shit and all my clothes are wrapped in smoke.
Boring food makes me angry, for real.
I dont even eat anymore, I just drink like ten kinds of teas or juices every day. Normal people drink water and beer and eat ten kinds of food every day.
I need some rice.
My stomach hurts and my head is heavy and I smell like shit and all my clothes are wrapped in smoke.
soba ga kirai da kedo.....
yesterday was too awesome~!!
met so many great people and drank SUCH an amazing wine~
we talked and laughed for hours, it was wonderful....even if they all were couples.
but as usual, I had a bit too much...when I got home I couldnt even eat anymore coz I felt so sick. Therefore I ate my meal in the morning, of course it was disgusting.
My head is quite heavy...and I got a bruise on my foot so I had to walk home on socks. The police saw me and I got very frightened, but they left me alone.
I dont like the police coz they tend to abuse people on the streets, just in daylight, without a reason, saying it is "necessary".
BGM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFPhDW1YdbU&NR=1
~
met so many great people and drank SUCH an amazing wine~
we talked and laughed for hours, it was wonderful....even if they all were couples.
but as usual, I had a bit too much...when I got home I couldnt even eat anymore coz I felt so sick. Therefore I ate my meal in the morning, of course it was disgusting.
My head is quite heavy...and I got a bruise on my foot so I had to walk home on socks. The police saw me and I got very frightened, but they left me alone.
I dont like the police coz they tend to abuse people on the streets, just in daylight, without a reason, saying it is "necessary".
BGM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFPhDW1YdbU&NR=1
~
Freitag, 19. März 2010
oh, it will do.
I cant agree with people pretending not to give a fuck about politics and then suddenly running of to festivals nd stuff.....wihtout knowing anything.
This might me a huge, huge problem in the near future.
no money, no cigs, I'm off to the L8. Need to drink my ass off before the two weeks of work start.
This might me a huge, huge problem in the near future.
no money, no cigs, I'm off to the L8. Need to drink my ass off before the two weeks of work start.
Donnerstag, 18. März 2010
copy?
LOVE IS DEAD sample is out!
http://www.despairsray.jp/jp/release.html
well, maybe I was expecting to much, but it has nothing of Karyus earlier songs. I dont like the synthezizers, they soften the song and disturb the guitar. it sounds like five instruments, and thats too much for D'Ray.
If they would have cut them out, it'd be perfect.
http://www.despairsray.jp/jp/release.html
well, maybe I was expecting to much, but it has nothing of Karyus earlier songs. I dont like the synthezizers, they soften the song and disturb the guitar. it sounds like five instruments, and thats too much for D'Ray.
If they would have cut them out, it'd be perfect.
Mittwoch, 17. März 2010
genius*
I scored A (59.5 of 62) in the english exam!
FUCKIN ISSUE eat my shorts!
I'm bloody awesome!!
....smug? Not a all. Just realistic.
FUCKIN ISSUE eat my shorts!
I'm bloody awesome!!
....smug? Not a all. Just realistic.
Dienstag, 16. März 2010
unchiku---??
I'll try neosteam again...
everything will be better as soons as I reach the 40!!
...hopefully.
everything will be better as soons as I reach the 40!!
...hopefully.
Montag, 15. März 2010
smartass
I just found out how to get rid of the annyoing curled strands of hair I get after blow-drying them...
....I put a clip to it when it's half-dried and then let it fully dry!
...smart isnt it?
....I put a clip to it when it's half-dried and then let it fully dry!
...smart isnt it?
Samstag, 13. März 2010
yume...yueni?
I watched Les filles du Botaniste again, this time in chinese with german subs.
it was even more touching than teh first time.
I cried so hard...
reminded me of my granny's funeral.
reminded me of this world's cruelness.
reminded me of how lost we are.
when Ming said "our dreams will come true" I started sobbing like a baby...
Thanks to Bacchus I had wine at least...
and I cooked! spaghetti!
...without any mistakes this time.
Here's my list of japanese pervert and insulting words:
the most important once are marked red....
my cat was a bit hyper
today.
dizzy
after work I went to the park today.
no one else was there, and I lit a cigarette and lay down on a bench.
The sky was covered in white clouds, I couldnt even see the sun.
The birds were singing and the leaveless trees above were totally black to the white sky....it was a beautiful picture.
no one else was there, and I lit a cigarette and lay down on a bench.
The sky was covered in white clouds, I couldnt even see the sun.
The birds were singing and the leaveless trees above were totally black to the white sky....it was a beautiful picture.
Donnerstag, 11. März 2010
Mittwoch, 10. März 2010
brillant
a song about youth.
kagami wo kowashite...
I really love these zodiac figures.
I want Sagittarius, she is really beautiful...
but they are very expensive.
Treasure in your heart...
the moment which we saw before.
That's how it always looks on our saturday night parties.
Wonderful~
paradox
kimitachi ni made.....
Okay, this is scary- my door - my LOCKED!! - door just opened all by itself. There is absolutely nothing and nobody.
For God's sake it was locked!!!
Die...to bone....where have you sealed your real side?
updates
Finally. My last week in pictures.
24th june is the day we all fear.
I wonder if somebody will say something.
I guess not. Thy dont want us to be scared.
I kinda like them.
Isnt he beautiful? He was all by himself.
Dienstag, 9. März 2010
I sorta like questionnaires.
Okay, in the end I didnt go coz I was to lazy to get dressed.
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A very serious one.
02) What was your dream growing up?
Foundation of a village in which everyone loves and help each other.
03) What talent do you wish you had?
Singing and playing the guitar. Does that count as one?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
Chardonnay, the expensive one please.
05) Favorite fruit?
None. Probably ichigo.
06) What was the last book you read?
Feather in the storm, about China in the 60's.
07) What zodiac sign are you?
Virgo.
08) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
7 piercings, five left ear, two right ear. I wanna get a tongue piercing and four more at my ears. And a tattoo on my wrist saying Glass Skin.
09) Worst habit?
Shouting at people for no reason and procrastination.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
No.
11) What is your favorite sport?
Computer games.
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
Definitely pessimistic.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Screw you.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Falling in love with the wrong people.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
I love frozen salami.
16) Do you have any pets?
A cat.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
I'd say I dont have time coz I gotta work.
18) What was your first impression of me?
You ask interesting questions. It's the only impression I have.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
They're annoying and useless.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
Won't say.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
If it's that sort of very illegal thing, I'd be your conscience.
22) What color eyes do you have?
Green, fuck the rest.
23) Ever been arrested?
No.
24) Bottled or tap water?
Cold water.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
Take five bucks, buy cigarettes and save the rest.
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
Fiddler's Green.
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
Not at all.
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Gambling.
29) Do you swear a lot?
Only if it is very important.
30) Biggest pet peeve?
Humans and stucked opinions.
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Passionated.
32) Do you believe in love at first sight?
Surely.
33) Favorite and least favorite food?
Chicken with honey and whale brain.
34) Do you believe in God?
I dont have to, I can stand on wo feet all by myself.
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
No, I forgot where I got it from.
Already over?
I love questionnaires.
Shower!!
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A very serious one.
02) What was your dream growing up?
Foundation of a village in which everyone loves and help each other.
03) What talent do you wish you had?
Singing and playing the guitar. Does that count as one?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
Chardonnay, the expensive one please.
05) Favorite fruit?
None. Probably ichigo.
06) What was the last book you read?
Feather in the storm, about China in the 60's.
07) What zodiac sign are you?
Virgo.
08) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
7 piercings, five left ear, two right ear. I wanna get a tongue piercing and four more at my ears. And a tattoo on my wrist saying Glass Skin.
09) Worst habit?
Shouting at people for no reason and procrastination.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
No.
11) What is your favorite sport?
Computer games.
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
Definitely pessimistic.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Screw you.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Falling in love with the wrong people.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
I love frozen salami.
16) Do you have any pets?
A cat.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
I'd say I dont have time coz I gotta work.
18) What was your first impression of me?
You ask interesting questions. It's the only impression I have.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
They're annoying and useless.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
Won't say.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
If it's that sort of very illegal thing, I'd be your conscience.
22) What color eyes do you have?
Green, fuck the rest.
23) Ever been arrested?
No.
24) Bottled or tap water?
Cold water.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
Take five bucks, buy cigarettes and save the rest.
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
Fiddler's Green.
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
Not at all.
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Gambling.
29) Do you swear a lot?
Only if it is very important.
30) Biggest pet peeve?
Humans and stucked opinions.
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Passionated.
32) Do you believe in love at first sight?
Surely.
33) Favorite and least favorite food?
Chicken with honey and whale brain.
34) Do you believe in God?
I dont have to, I can stand on wo feet all by myself.
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
No, I forgot where I got it from.
Already over?
I love questionnaires.
Shower!!
2007!!!
on 28th may, D'espairsRay will release IMMORTAL in a second vers. in EU: CD+DVD with the unpublished Spiral Staircase TOUR FINAL!!! from 2007!
MY FUCKIN GOD I'm so glad I dint buy it yet, hehe. Gosh. they love me just as much as I love them.
MY FUCKIN GOD I'm so glad I dint buy it yet, hehe. Gosh. they love me just as much as I love them.
Montag, 8. März 2010
Samstag, 6. März 2010
pasta
studying johnny cash's hurt.
got work to do today. tonight at level eight. hopefully i wont smoke that much or I'll be running outta cigs..
lunch!!
got work to do today. tonight at level eight. hopefully i wont smoke that much or I'll be running outta cigs..
lunch!!
Freitag, 5. März 2010
people error
I miss the time when I loved my friends.
I miss the time when I ran off after dinner everyday to meet them.
I enjoy being alone, and sometimes even lonely.
Having company is not as reliefing as sitting back, smoking and listening to people error.
I miss the time when I ran off after dinner everyday to meet them.
I enjoy being alone, and sometimes even lonely.
Having company is not as reliefing as sitting back, smoking and listening to people error.
Mittwoch, 3. März 2010
shopping
I've found the ultimate way not to get mad at that old friend of mine: I'll just ignore whatever she says.
That will seperate us even more, but if I stop caring about what she says, i have no reason to be mad at her.
test one succeeded.
going to town now, need a walk and a loosey.
I'm studying!
That will seperate us even more, but if I stop caring about what she says, i have no reason to be mad at her.
test one succeeded.
going to town now, need a walk and a loosey.
I'm studying!
Dienstag, 2. März 2010
grief
there have always been imaginary people in my world.
this time, the people are as far away from as if they weren't real - but they are.
and out of all those I admire, I love him the most.
he is probably the only male person in the world I will ever love. And he will never know.
this time, the people are as far away from as if they weren't real - but they are.
and out of all those I admire, I love him the most.
he is probably the only male person in the world I will ever love. And he will never know.
Montag, 1. März 2010
long day
that fucking application took me hours....I just had to show off with my non-existing japanese knowledge, I couldnt resist!
I want a shower~
I want a shower~
successfull
on my way home from school i stopped for a casting at a old people's home and looks like they're gonna take me!
gotta write a application later and bring it today - first come, first served.
I'm in a big hurry coz i got a meeting with my dentist in five minutes. I didnt even take my shoes off, i just had time to do my make up.
later I'm going to buy the ticket - hopefully I'll still get a cheap one!
gotta write a application later and bring it today - first come, first served.
I'm in a big hurry coz i got a meeting with my dentist in five minutes. I didnt even take my shoes off, i just had time to do my make up.
later I'm going to buy the ticket - hopefully I'll still get a cheap one!
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