maniste

I'm hungry ._.
I found some Despa ManiSte translations yesterday, and all I can say is "30 minutes of VULGARITY" xD
gotta buy the ticket today and pack my bags and then I'm on the road again!!

gotta work

I cried two times today.
If I dont stop listening to Monokuro, it'll kill me. Its not the first song ever that hurts me whenever I listen to it and makes cry just when I think of it, but its the first of this kind that I havent read the lyrics of.

the melody and Hari's voice....kimi to omoide, wasurenei kono mune ni kisamareteru.....I won't forget........you and your memories?
kimi no......mukumori.....wasurenei kono mude no kowoteru....
kimi to omoide......

ah...gotta work, but I'll have a cigarette first....

Hari, stop! Common you make me cry.....uh......

I need money....

my brother told me I will not get a job when i go to university. I'm so scared of the future. I know I have to be realistic...but I'm so scared that I cannot stay together with my beloved. I need her...I will do whatever it takes if we just can live together....

Closer to ideal- brand new scene will cost 105 euros. this is what I earn in almost 3 months.
D'espairsRay hurt me so much these days...I love them too much, and I'm breaking down coz i'm so far away and probably will never see them again...I haven't even met them!
I cant pay the clothes I wanna wear...I cant pay my fave bands, my music, my dreams, my school, my education.
Honestly, I'd really do anything for money. but I dunno where to go....I cannot wait out there on the street until a car stops!
I have to earn more money. whoever said you cannot be happy with money was wrong, you can be happy with or without money, but life's ten times easier if you have money.
gosh, If I just had 100 euros more very month I'd be the happiest person ever.

gotta stop whining. at least I'm healthy. I need a hot shower and a cig and chocolate....

the mornin after

Hey everyone! I'll start rigth away with teh hottest news ever:
on Dec 29th, there'll be the release of D'espairsRay first's best-of album called IMMORTAL!! Motherfuckin HOORAY!!!
Here's the link to the announcement video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ygqKFHd_E0
It's gonna be released in Japan and Europe
There'll also be a new Live DVD called Closer to ideal - Brand new scene- from the 10th anniversary live in Shibuya C.C. lemon hall.
Another link to an nice interview I found:
http://notafanboy.livejournal.com/108896.html
Enjoy!

I'm so excited about all this, i need a drink now....

no tíme

I'm in a hurry so i'll make it short:
it's christmas, yay! and my mum's present isn't done, unyay!!
*jumps under the shower*

10

only 10 more days left. Time is running, and I'm kinda not prepared....
to do:
- work
- eat
- search for chains and collars
- get a teddy bear or penguin
- shopping with my brother
- work
- eat
- call baby
- sleep

5 days to christmas! i still need all the presents!! gosh every year I'm thinking I've got enough time but no....

on tour

today we had a little secret live, and the manager told us we'll be doing another live next week's wednesday. this will be last for the year, and its gonna be big.
better go to rehearsel now.....

11 days left.

mornin

I got up earlier so i have time for my blog. todays the 7th anniversary of my baby and me! everybody HOORAY!!
today's also the big sports challenge. I'm not in the team, so its gonny be a boring day...we'll loose anyway.

done

oh boy the concert was awesome. I really enjoyed singing up there and gave my áll my best.it wasnt as hard as I had thought before, and almost everything went well.
almost.....I was so concentrated that i started singing way earlier than i had to! embarrassing....

oops

forgot something:
my glasses are done and I cut my hair once again!

on the road

just finished work, now i'll have to change and call my baby.
Only half an hour until I'll meet the others at the venue. I gotta be quick...

rockin till my throat is sore :D

I just finished the rehearsel for tonight. it works quite good, but some songs are so exhausting that i put all my strength in them and then my voice breaks during the other songs.
I dont know what shoes to wear....

gotta be relaxing a bit now and then go back to work.
seeya!

akuro no oka

beautiful live song by Dir en Grey.

people are trying to pull me down, to kill, me exhausting me, supressing me with words, acts, happenings, thoughts.
And I cant fight back.
I always thought it would be enough to be self-confident.

But all my self-confident is not worth anything because no one notices it.

You need self-confident and authority to survive. Second is what I dont have. And I dont know how to gain it.

I feel worthless because of that.

What can you do against people calling you a racist and a fascist and a whore and a liar?
Nothing. They'll never believe you.
This is how they steal your authority. And if they also get my self-confidence, I'm done.

It hurts being so breakable.

suzie wong

long time no see.
I went to a very popular local club last night, with the intention not to drink anything.
In the end I was kicked outta the club, lay on the street for I-dunno-how-long and was found by the police. I had 1.4 promille.
they informed my parents and I was picked up, but to taht moment I was sick again and again.
I slept in my clothes and my father made me walk to the club again in the morning to pick my bike up which i had left there. I took me almost an hour.
gotta work now....
I forgot the meeting that was planned for this morning and I hope I will keep the soup I just ate.
Never again.....it's still horrible.

punk rock party

I went to a local punkrock and metal concert today.
some of the bands were very good, some were just crap, but it was fun. we had beer and danced a lot. I lost my cross earring during the pogo (I found it again later) and sb hit me on the nose and now I got bruises all over my legs and arms. i guess tomorrow my chest will hurt cause I got crashed...
In the end, everyone was drunk so the last band didnt get the respect they deserved.....
The most punks went out and started fighting with two nazis, and on my way home I saw two almost dead drunk girls lying around and two police cars.

that is punk.

future

I'll keep going on. to a place far away, where nobody's been before.
I'll live to be free.

tears

sometimes I feel like I'll cry right away.

My mum came upstairs and said "how can you just return to your everyday-life right now? is it so easy for you?"
I told her, "do you want me to lie on the bed crying? it's just my way to think of something else!"

I'll get somethibng to eat now, before I get too emotional again.

wait. surprise, surprise. jonny called. we'll see what happennes. he wants us to be friends again, but i kinda dont care.

a lot of things happened. some of'em are to difficult to explain.

today was the grandma's funeral. I cried...I always though "okay, now you can calm down. it's all fine now."
but i couldn't stop crying...it seems like a bad dream or a joke...I mean...can you imagine how it feels to carry a dead body and bury it in the cold earth? it's so strange...
but it was beautiful...so many people came....
I almost broke down shivering when we were walking to the grave.
it seemed like forever.

and now I'm sitting here...it's cold and dark outside....knowing that my grandma is lying peaceful in a coffin under the earth. isn't she lonely?

It seems like a long time ago when I visited her...taking her hand, her warm hand...thinking of death, but not thinking that death will come...

her skin is cold and soft. cold like some stone on a winter morning.

I.....

I've stayed at my grandmother's side all day until two men came to pick her up.
I never cried that much any day.
My mummy asked me if this was too much for me. I told her I wanted it like this. I wanted to gather these experiences.

I'm wasted....
Tomorrow....we've got work today.

I'll go to bed later. Sleep well, granny.

it's all over. my father called. he said " your grandmother just died." I was in shock. I cry. he also cried. my head hurts. it's over. it's okay, it's fine.
es is vorbei. sie ist eingeschlafen. sie ist fort. aber wohin? wo ist sie jetzt? wie kann sie fort sein,w enn sie doch eben noch da war?

all hallow's eve

yeah! its halloween! the second best party in the year!

I'll get dressed now (what shall I wear?), eat sth (I just got up ^.^) and then go to work. after that, i'll have a meeting with Rena and then we'll go to the dancing school for a party. At night, we'll sit down at fiddler's Green and the go to her place to watch movies all night long.

IT's the fucking best day in the year! (And I slept half of it...)

Unfortunately, may granny is really really not doing good. It's just some more days, then it's all over. If that is the case today, I must not go to the party...
I may sound rude, but I will go, no matter what happens.

If I die one day, I want all my friends to party their ass off and have some drinks for me, too. But no beer, just wine.

sickness

I'm ill. its my own fault...

dim scene

sometimes I wonder if I just liek to be depressive...or if this world really makes me depressive.

america's next topmodel 3

you know, I really dont like these stupid blonde bitchy american's who spend their time with fighting about shoes.
but Kim.....Kim is hot!

once again

once again i have to say that my parents dont accept me.

The dont accept my clothes, my music, my opinion, my character, my friends, my hobbies, my school work, my fantasy, my hopes, my dreams, and it wouldnt surprise me if they told me they dont accept my sexuality.

my mother says I hurt her soul with my being.

my father hits the table and says "get out."

I have no one to trust here.

They all believe I wanna prove something to others with my being.
It doesnt come to their mind that I dont wanna prove something but that I wanna be something.
For me.

I have nothing to do here anymore.

king's cross

after a long time I'm playing sims 3 again. its fun~
my english presentation today was a desaster, just ebcause of my team partner...she was just too stupid to do the whole thing as it was planned. whatever, I'll have a good mark anyways.

listening to Bugaboo. its such a eroctic song~

and I finally have a cross earring! it may not be perfect, but it looks stunning. not that I would give a fuck about church or religion...

gone

I miss you babe.
I miss you so much.....

I gotta work a lot.
I dont want to...

the last night

now and forever, you will be in my arms.

connections

hopefully my baby's webcam will work with skype...

we shall never surrender

I made a drawing for my baby. she looked so cute while sitting at my computer that I absolutely had to draw her.

Yesterday we went out with some friends and celebrated our 5th anniversary. months, of course.
And gosh people we were drunk as hell. but it was fun at the Irish pub, the music was great and some guy gave us whiskey and kept our company for a while until we had to go.
on our way home with Rena, we sung a stupid song from dmc3. I'm kinda embarrassed now...
anyways. it was a great night ;)
Darling is getting annoyed so I'll stop here.

nervous

1 hor left until ym baby arrives and I'm getting nervous. work is done so I'll play some games to calm me down, then rush to the senter to get a birthday present for my brother's girlfriend and THEN go home and get ready to jump over to the station and pick up my darling. woah.

3 hours left

waitin for my darling to arrive

just fuck him

I hate my father so much.

whatever I say, he says something against it.

If I say, "my teacher told us this and this" he says "that cant be true, i know sth else"

If i say "my computer works that way" he says " no it doesnt, no your computer works like mine, I know it better"

If I say "this or this is more expensive now so I cant buy it anymore" he says"your wrong, I've seen it cheaper today"

he just doesnt believe me. he belives nothing I say. whatever I tell him he didnt know before, he doubts it.

he never belives me.

he never belives in what i say and what i know.

he doesnt belive that i am smart enough to know facts he doesnt know.

he doubts my reliability.

he doubts everything i am.

he never, never believes me.

just fuck you, father. just fuck you.

just fuck it

okay, my mobile is finally broken. crap. it doesnt switch on anymore, i cant connect it to teh computer, i cant do nothing. fuck it. I ahve no money for a new one.

btw...there are all my phone numbers, songs and 700 PICTURES ON IT!! FUCK IT MAN!!

girl's afternoon

Aiji came here! yay!!
We made her hair blond and now I'll color the rest lack and cut it. Hopefully I can do it...
wish me luck!!

news

Blumio - check him out!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-YaEEaGI80

he's so awsome, even if its not my style of music! vote for him on mtv!

warumono

I finally got my cherry core pillow!!

go to bed now. wait. gotta eat sth.

I'm Dir en Greyalized so i made a pic.

ouch

I'm in pain >.<
my belly hurts...again...

news2

Girugämesh's new single 'Crying rain' is out! You can watch it on youtube, without PV unfortunately.
Beautiful ballade.

news

D'espairsRay will have a new DVD from their Shibuya-AX live (10th anniversary!). The super special extra:
Brilliant performed with a part change from all members! I'll not tell you who palys what, but I'll tell you that Tsukasa's not drumming...
Also check out their brand new song GOING ON!! written by Tsukasa. It's all english, Hizumi is rapping most of the time, but I think it's well done. What I liek most is the rousing beat- its fuckin awesome!!

Dir en Grey will have new Singles too, Versailles will keep on playing lives even without their bassist Jasmine You who passed away in august and Matenrou Opera have released their first album. That's all i know right now.^^

mara's bday party

good mornin. I've slept like a lil baby.
my toes hurt...I need water. I've slept in all my clothes...

Culcha Candela is awsome.

busy

I'm doing my maths homework! d^^b

school's out

my maths teacher is stupid and unexperienced. another teacher made me understand something in like 2 minutes. the other teacher had three days and nobody understood it.

Mommy said two things today.

"We have to be ready. It can happen very fast right now."

"For her best, I want that day to be near."

well

Mo dad, my older broher and I visited grandma today. she's really weak.
My brother and both cried, but our dad was really strong. he's still with her now, but we others went home. when we got out of the hospital, we both lit a cigarette. I almost smiled coz we had they same thought at that moment. we managed to talk without getting to emotional.
my brother said " well, I guess she'll stay a week and then be home again. you know her, it was always like that."
I did not find anything to answer.

chizuru

my granny is in hospital. her kidneys dont work they way they should.
I'll think about her now.

naa

I went home earlier from school coz i felt really really sick.
I'm not doing good these days....

queer as folk

I absolutely LOVE it!! watch it, its really, funny, sexy cute and well made!!!

-.-

my math teacher just stole my an hour of my day and three euros -.-

<3

I'm calling my beloved darling <3

If I dont call her, i cant sleep well....

working

no entry yesterday :o
there was a lot I wanted to tell you yesterday...I forgot most of it.
the english test today was way too easy, as always. but it made me wonder if I should stop smoking...
cutting came up as a topic again.

our teacher said there's a volcano in California, and if the catastrophe happens, the whole continent will be blown up.
what a world...

germany chose death.

germany voted. and voted wrong.^^
the future rulers will cause pollution, wars and poverty.

probably the islamistic terror warnings will come true and we will die next week.
gosh what a world....

but as MM said: we're running to the edge of the world, running, running away. but I dont know if the world will end today.

grrr

my feet hurt...I hope we'll have sth good to eat later.

Rena's mum has a new lover, and he's horrible....I fuckin cant stand him AT ALL.

MM

listening to marilyn manson all day since yesterday.
To The High End Of Low is really good, there are a lot of good and thinkable phrases in the lyrics.

My pain is not ashamed to repeat itself...

I just took a shower and will get sth to eat..I ate way to less yesterday!
everyone make sure that you eat enough okay?

tired

my feet hurt from the dancing....but it was soo~ much fun!!
the meeting kinda didnt work coz the people came late and Rena and I were already gone when they came...

I jzst noticed my hairstraightener was switched on for 5 hours now o.o

annoyed

Rena makes me wait.....

!!!

I got the deodorant!! it smells so nyaaaah~....

today is a busy day! I'm gonna bring out the newspapers now, have lunch, go downtown with Rena to buy the shoes I fell in love with yesterday and then she will buy some books for school.
Later we have a meeting with the animexx people and right after that we will go to a party in the dancing school.
sounds good eh?

danger

I admit that i'm scared of the islamic terror warnings.
They say that "after the vote on sunday 27th, Germany has to get ready for something special."
our trains and and stations are all supervised and protected.

the US tells people better not to travel to Germany these days.
I admit that i'm scared as hell of the 11th.

what has this world become like....

rabu

something on my new sweater smells like a very good men perfume....
I KNOW!! its the deodorant I lent after the sports education, it was AXE for men!! Gosh i gotta buy that one it smells so hot...I could eat myself right now xD
*smells on her skin over and over*

See yah, I'm off downtown!!

trouble

school is really hard for me this time. I'm not sure if I can make it this year...
uh, I'm lazy.

something got broken with my bike and I tried to repair it, but I dunno what to do. my fingers have been covered in this stupid oil and I washed my hands three times up to now and it still hasnt gone!

I'll get some ice cream now...

sometimes, little things cause big trouble.

sometimes I can't understand things I thought I would know.

and sometimes, I feel like I am absolutely worth nothing.

puratsuri

I love Plastic Tree!!

here are my two fave songs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPR5GgglocU
Ryuutaro has some fluffy cute hair in this^^

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_WANyly8V4
one and only once and for ever lifetime fave song of plastic tree....

???

I afraid I insulted D'espairsRay...sme one told me that you ahve to aks japanese pple first, before you ask something...and now I'm trying to remember if I ever asked before asking...

And hwy is Miyavi's number always 382? I dont get it...

I'm not sure if I like DJ SiSen. he's hot for sure, but its not the stylish and hidden hotness, he breaks out with it and moans in his songs...not that i'm against moaning in songs! xD but I'm more for the hidden and short and soft moaning, for teh rest does my fantasy xD
...and I am totally not thinking of Sugar pain right now xD

nice, weatha, nice day

Today I went to the park with the children from fith grade, coz those kids get four or five "Tutors" from 10th grade for their first year. we help them and do nice stuff with em, just like we were their big sisters.
We went to the animal park and wanted to see how moose is feed, but they didnt show of and were just lying in the ground all day. but the other animals were awesome.
its been a while since I was last at that park, and it was really nice!

there's this one girl, shes kinda strange and annoying and the other kids dont like her...i talked to her all day and shes totally differnet if you show her your interest.
her mother has four kids and ´no husband, so it must be really hard for the family. I feel like this kid is not getting very much attention, and thats why she shows off so much in her class.
I'll take care of her...

guren

I had good noodles today...yummy!

Can you imagine that? I did a bit of my work before sitting down at the computer! wow...
actually i wanted to pick up Rena for some shopping but I'm to tired now...

I'm full but I still wanna eat sth of that delicious stuff *___*

done

I'm done, finally! Once again we got problems with the auqarium and it took a lot of the to fix. hopefully verything is well now...
My closet looks good! d^__^b
I'll have dinner now, do some work and then have a nice hot shower....
good night!

late spring cleaning

I'm tidying my closet! I have so many clothes and I only wear half of them...
My closet is really really messy...gotta to sth about that!
Wataru is helping me ;)
Later I'll have some ice cream...

yeah!

last night was so fun! we had a great time together but now I'm not feeling so well...we pierced Laura's ear coz she asked us to do it. And now her mum will be really, really mad at us...what a stupid idea, I'm so embarrassed.
I'll tidy up my flat today and do some work later.
Have a nice sunday everyone!

spermargarita

I've worked hard today!

atm, Anne's at my place and we're relaxing a bit.
later laura will join us when she has finished dancing school. we'll pick up Rena and go downtown to have some wine.
and then I'll have a sleepover at Rena's place we will drink the sake she got me for my birthday!
there are a lot of things we have to party...
- my birthday
- Rena's new home
- D'espairsray's 10th anniversary
- Jasmine You's death
of course the las thing is not really a reason to party....we will remember him.
take care!

n8

I'm fllowing myv's yutube videos now.
gosh i'm tired.
I gotta work today for at least 4 to 6 hours, send that letter and clean my bathroom.
and maybe I'm going out with rena and Aiji the evening.

join me

again a lot of things are happening.

firstly, i have a lot of work to do today. this evening i guess i wont be able to to my newspaper work voz I'm going to the Theorema to see the result of the Underage-vote we had today. I hope CDU/CSU is not winning...
but before that, Rena and I are going to the dancing school again, and later I'll call my girlfriend.
I also have to send her the letter I wrote but i'm SO AFRAID that it may be lost again...
yeah...thatw as it i guess? no...I'll have lunch later and I really need to do the request for my english workbook and read "Emilia Galotti" for the next german lesson.
gosh...
let's play Sims3 again!!

no time

to make it short: I got one hour to get my school stuff, eat, get ready for bed. then my darling wants to call and then i need to sleep coz i'm fucking fucking tired.

I wrote her a letter! but I guess it'll be lost just as teh alst one...
I'm starving. my head is fucking bitching.
...my legs hurt.

3

sims 3 rules...;D
Rena made me and her, we look kinda hot....and we made two hawt guys for the sims, but we cant decide who gets who they're both smexy! xD

4

today's number is 4!! and why? because my darling and I have been a couple for four months now.
baby, I'll say the meaningless words: I love you.

and I have a meeting with my dentist in an hour...he wants to pull out my wisdom teeth...but as long as it is not necessary, I won't take that much pain! I'll keep my wisdom!!

hn.

another boring day ends.
I was at school until noon, and I was at the computer until evening.

isnt that boring?
I'm starving. i hate....this.

5

I got SO MUCH work to do!
but I guess, these are the upper classes....I'm fine with that.

btw, do you know the new "5" chewing gum? its awesome!

I got to do my schedule now...and I will do it RIGHT NOW!!

not enough time

I didnt do my homework coz Rena came <.<
So I'll take a shower now, eat sth, do my homework and go on writing Samsara!
good night!

bored

I guess i'll do my homework for french now...

why dows wow not work anymore? I did everything blizzard told me! fuck'em...

DAMN

I burned my meal because I wrote too long...its ulgy <.<

well

I'm back home!
school was okay...but actuallly I already cant stand it. and it was just the first day!
we got three new members, and three classmates had to leave.

I'll get sth to eat now and then do some stuff on the computer..check out my myspace!

mmmmmmorningggg

did you sleep well?
I kinda didnt >.< i slept several hours, but then I woke up every ten minutes....
But I'm not as sleepy as I thought ^.^

gotta have breakfast now and then go to school...
and...*looks outta window* it's not raining!!...yet.
Rena is still sleeping coz she gets to school at 9 <.<
I'm jealous....

do you know defective tragedy? listen to it! makes me fresh and full of energy^^

sleepy

I'll eat now...then put some music up and go 2 bed...and its still raining.
if it rains tomorrow I'll be pissed...

gettin out again

rain doesn't stop...samenai ame?

Rena is here, coz she doens have a computer yet and uses mine to upload here new chapter. She's a good writer too ;)

and I got my new mp3 player but I dont really check it out...its kinda complicated <.<
well, we'll go downtown now to buy some stuff for school tomorrow!
see yah!

music

Rena is back from her granny's house and we'll go to a market now to get my new MP3 player...FINALLY.

Girugämesh rules :p

having betrayed is why

Girugämesh is amazing...last night when i was standing at my bathroom window smoking, I listened to MUSIC and it remembered me of the Crazy Tour o9...they were so awesome.
my first gig ever. it was the best day of my live, just as I wanted it to be.
I still remember everything...
Every scream of Satoshi, every bass hitting my ears, every kiss of my Darling and every painful muscle.
I know it all and I will never foregt that day..

nooo >.<

My cat is ill :(
I asked for help on the internet and now people are insulting me as a cat murderer -.- as expected...

I found the D'espairsRay discography site again!!

Simpsons

I wanted to watch the movie yesterday, but in the commercial breaks I wasted to much time and missed the whole movie...
So i'll get something to eat now and then watch the movie.

Please visit my myspace and facebook accounts, okay?
http://home.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user
http://www.facebook.com/miyavi.official#/profile.php?id=100000251110309&ref=name

bye for now!

scrubs

Scrubs is too funny xD
I wanna have a baby too...

Can anyone help me with the makro here? o.ö
I'm hungry...